Elissa Gruner Lynn ’84 is the chief meteorologist at TV station KXTV in Sacramento California. She wrote the following spoof for publication in a Sacramento newspaper, and sent it to us so loyal readers of these alumni notes might enjoy it.

Global Warming Christmas – Eco-Sensitive Holiday Guidelines

by Elissa Lynn

-Dateline North Pole

In light of global warming, new holiday traditions are being put into place this year. The guidelines will mean adjustments for both children and adults across the country.

Santa Claus, Executive Director of the North Pole, announced the changes from a soggy, green patch of lawn in the Arctic Circle today.

“As you can see, our work area is being inundated by water, sunshine and plant-life. Since our operations peak in mid-winter, we’ve had to make several workplace modifications including; ceiling fans, cooler uniforms, visors, and mandatory sunscreen for the Elves.”

He went on to describe a few unexpected developments due to the environmental shift. Reindeer have both have multiplied dramatically, and grown in size. Donner and Blitzen have each sired 6 fawns this season. But the team's overall weight increase has lead to their sluggishness. This year, twelve reindeer will be pulling, rather than eight. New members include Carbon, Cyclone, Vesuvius, and Kiroshio. Rudolph is on sabbatical, using his self-illuminating nose to guide polar bears across the now fully melted Northwest Passage.

Children may be surprised by the new merit system for Christmas gifts. Santa will make his list, but check it thrice, not twice. The accreditation of “nice’ is now based on recycling, conserving water, and turning off the lights. Coal, which had formerly been put in the shoes of the 'naughty' kids, is now, of course, politically incorrect. Starting this year, 'naughty' kids will be punished by having air conditioning privileges revoked.

Since chimneys have been discontinued over the globe, Santa will enter through patio doors, so he can take a quick dip in the pool prior to making his next stop. Kids will now set out fresh fruit and lemonade for Mr. Kringle.

If things warm up as much as expected, holiday festivities will change dramatically. Instead of evergreen tree trimming, lights will be strung on potted palms. Fried rattlesnake and margaritas will become the holiday feast of choice, as turkeys have all migrated to the Canadian Rockies. Ice-skating on frozen lakes will be replaced by filling sandbags for recreation. If residents relinquish their SUV’s and complete wildlife sensitivity training, they will receive credits for holiday shopping.

Finally, caroling will be modified accordingly. Sung to “Holly, Jolly Christmas,” here are the updated lyrics to be used this December:

“Have a global warming Christmas,

It’s a hot time on the Earth

Say ‘hell no’ to chains and snow

Let flip-flops bring you mirth.

Have a global warming Christmas,

The Ocean’s on the rise

Storms are bigger, and you’re the trigger

It comes as no surprise

Oh, ho, the ice caps’ gone

The coast is now the sea

Denver’s now a beachfront cow

And firewood goes for free

Have a global warming Christmas,

And in case you didn’t hear

Oh, by golly, your parka’s folly on

Christmas this year!”